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Via ".@eenderinwales"

Hello there. Hope you’re feeling well today.I’m afraid I don’t have much time today. So please forgive the briefness but I needed to have a quick word.

One of the things now we are preparing to move once the workmen (and women?) have done their work on the house is that old questions start to resurface. Questions like “Do I have to do gardening?” (Me).

From daughter though comes this question.

“Can we have a pet?”

I know she’s doing this partly to wind me up. For when she says “pet” she means “a dog” but as regular readers will know I’m a domestic-wolf-a-phobic.

But in truth there will be no pets in the house. I don’t like dogs. The wife is not partial to cats and any other options are mainly small, furry and difficult to control.

But we have tried. When daughter was about four we bought goldfish. They were called Elio and Julianne. Named after winners of that year’s Dancing With The Stars, the American version of Strictly Come Dancing. The tank was the most basic (ie small and cheap) and filled with goldfish friendly statues from the well known Latina adventuress Dora The Explorer.

But there comes the moment when the tank needed to be cleaned. We had a receptacle ready for the fish. The water though was required to be of a particular temperature. Not too hot. Not too cold. Had to be Goldilocks just right.

The wife had a kettle in her hand. Impatient with my caution.

“Come on” she said proceeding to pour “It’s not rocket science”.

Well apparently it is. For she boiled the fish to death. She had killed Elio and Julianne. My wife the goldfish murderer (oh OK it would be manslaughter in the fish court).

I would be an accessory as I proceeded to give them the closest thing to a burial at sea that I could by flushing them down the toilet. Thankfully we have more than one toilet as the wife refused to use that one for a while for fear that Elio and Julianne would miraculously survive and seek revenge through the loo.

(She’s seen too many horror films)

Wife queried whether we should secretly replace them. I said no. Instead I said we’ll wait and see how long Daughter noticed their absence before deciding whether to buy some more.

Daughter noticed after a month. Not only that but she didn’t seem particularly upset either.

And so ends our family pet history.

Until the next time.